We all struggle with the "appropriate" way to discipline our child. Do we spank, do time out, or take toys away? These are some effective ways/tips to discipline your child.
1. Three types of parenting:
An authoritative parent has clear expectations and consequences and is affectionate toward his or her child. The authoritative parent allows for flexibility and collaborative problem solving with the child when dealing with behavioral challenges. This is the most effective form of parenting.
An authoritarian parent has clear expectations and consequences, but shows little affection toward his or her child. The parent may say things like, "because I'm the Mommy, that's why." This is a less effective form of parenting.
A permissive parent shows lots of affection toward his or her child but provides little discipline. This is a less effective form of parenting.
2. Choosing discipline techniques:
The discipline techniques you choose may depend on the type of inappropriate behavior your child displays, your child's age, your child's temperament, and your parenting style.
Acknowledging good behavior is the best way to encourage your child to continue it. In other words, Compliment your child when he or she shows the behavior you've been seeking.
Your child does something wrong, and you let the child experience the result of that behavior. There's no need for you to "lecture." The child can't blame you for what happened. For example, if a child deliberately breaks a toy, he or she no longer has that toy to play with.
Natural consequences can work well when children don't seem to "hear" your warnings about the potential outcome of their behavior. Be sure, however, that any consequence they might experience isn't dangerous.
This technique is similar to natural consequences but involves describing to your child what the consequences will be for unacceptable behavior. The consequence is directly linked to the behavior. For example, you tell your child that if he doesn't pick up his toys, then those toys will be removed for a week.
Sometimes there isn't a logical or natural consequence for a bad behavior -- or you don't have time to think it through. In this case, the consequence for unacceptable behavior may be taking away a privilege. For example, if a middle schooler doesn't complete her homework on time, you may choose to take away television privileges for the evening. This discipline technique works best if the privilege is:
- Related in some way to the behavior
- Something the child values
- Taken away as soon as possible after the inappropriate behavior (especially for young children)
Time outs work if you know exactly what the child did wrong or if you need a break from the child's behavior. Be sure you have a time-out location established ahead of time. It should be a quiet, boring place -- probably not the bedroom (where the child can play) or a dangerous place like a bathroom. This discipline technique can work with children when the child is old enough to understand the purpose of a time out -- usually around age 2 and older, with about a minute of time out for each year of age. Time outs often work best with younger kids for whom the separation from the parent is truly seen as a deprivation.
- Corporal Punishment or Spankings
Corporal (physical) punishment, such as spanking, isn't recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics or mental health associations. Why? Primarily because nonphysical discipline techniques work better with fewer negative consequences. According to the AAP, spanking may result in the following problems:
- Spanking may make children more aggressive
- Spanking can become more violent and harm a child
- Spanking may cause children to think that it's OK to physically hurt someone you love
While I personally think spankings are okay, I understand there are those who do not. For me a spanking means a pop on their bottom only and just 1-2 times and obviously not hard enough to truly hurt them. You should never spank out of anger because that is the point when it can become dangerous. Also, you should explain to the child WHY they are receiving this punishment. Using spankings does not make someone a bad parent at all. Deciding not to use spankings is perfectly fine as well. It has been my experience that as a parent, you just have to find what works best in YOUR home for YOUR child(ren).
3. Tips:
When punishment is the centerpiece of discipline, parents tend to overlook their children’s best behaviors. Rewarding good deeds targets behaviors you want to develop in your child, not things he shouldn’t be doing. This does not mean you give your child a treat every time he or she does something that they are told to do. Positive reinforcement can include words of encouragement as well. ex: "Great Job!!!", "I'm so proud of you for doing that!!!!" There are times where your child may do something exceptional and warrant a larger reward such as a treat, extra outside play time, a little more television time, etc.
- Be clear about the rules.
If you do not have clear rules or only discuss them when one has been broken, children will have a hard time following them. Explain the rules when you and your child are not upset, that way you can speak clearly and your child will listen and understand. Practice discipline when it works for you. For example, if you have 30 minutes to spare, tell your child to do a small chore (such as picking up toys). If your child does it, that is great and work out a reward for them (words of praise, extra play time, a treat, etc). If your child throws a tantrum then you have time to deal with it appropriately and calmly. Over time, this will help your child come to the realization that when you say pick up toys, they need to listen and do it.
If you have a child who likes to try to argue you into submission, the best thing to do is to avoid no-win arguments. or go "brain-dead."
For example: If your child says, "This isn’t fair," say, "I know." If your child says, "All of my friends get to have this," say, "I know." Or you can use the phrase, "And what did I say?" to enforce rules you have already discussed with your child. Sometimes the less you say, the more clear your point becomes.
Some people think that children need to experience the consequences of their action as soon as possible and that you need to stay calm as you discipline them. That's a nice thought, but it is not always realistic. Sometimes you can not keep your cool and respond right away. Allow yourself to calm down before dealing with the situation. You can tell your child, "Wow, bad decision. I need some time to figure out what I’m going to do about that." When your emotions are in check, express empathy for your child first, then deliver the consequences. Empathy gives your child room to connect his behavior to the outcome. Yelling is not absolutely necessary, sometimes simply allowing it to become their problem is good enough.
- Be consistent about rules.
You have to stick to your rules as much as you expect your child to stick to them. If they don't know what to expect from their parent, then the parent can't expect them to behave. You may want to back down for fear of ruining your child’s fun. Keep in mind that kids benefit from limits. Rules and structure give children the security of knowing their parents are watching out for them. As kids get older, you can take a more flexible approach. Around the ages of 9 and 12, kids should get a little room to test out the rules safely.
Personal conduct makes more of a lasting impression than words. Your children are watching you more than they will watch anyone else in their lives. Example: If you want your child to be polite, then they need to see you at your best manners at home as well as in public.
- Be respectful of your child.
If you show your child respect -- even when disciplining your child -- your child is more likely to respect you, other family members, and other people in his or her life. If you "lose it" or overreact with disrespect, apologize. Behave the way you want your child to behave.
The fact is, raising disciplined children is not easy. Despite your best efforts, there will always be good days and bad days. As a parent, you have to just do the absolute best you can. At the end of the day, you are only human as is your child(ren). No one is perfect and to expect anyone to be is just ridiculous.
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